Looking back...What else did you expect?

This is my obligatory 2015 year in review post. It's been a year of change for me with some great times, and I'm going to take this opportunity to step back and take a look at them.

The year started off for me at one job, ended with me at another. Work has had its ups and down, as they say "It wouldn't be called work if it was fun". So true. But working lets me have the things that I like, board games, good times with friends, food and a place to live. So I suppose that's a good thing. I'm lucky to have a job that pays me reasonably.

The game marathon I host for Extra Life happened in April, and was an amazing success. It was the second year of the marathon, and a number of people helped me out in huge ways. I made many new friends, and we raised over $5500 for Extra Life and The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. We have already started planning for the next one. It's very humbling to have an idea that was really spur of the moment pay off in such a big way for a great cause.

The reason behind this blog came about in May. Recapturing a lost dream has reinvigorated my soul and given me a lot of hope. Every day I think and plan and look forward to it. The hike will change my life, I'm betting for the better. It will reset my world view and when I'm done, it I can't even fathom the sense of accomplishment that I will get from it. It is refreshing to take a chance on yourself, even when the chance seems to be inconceivable to a lot of people. In the words of Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption, -"It comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living or get busy dying". 2015 is the year that I decided to get busy living.

The support I've been given by my friends and family have kept me going through some tough times. It's not easy some days, but I want to thank you all for being here, for following along with my random thoughts, my impressions, my whims. The greatest feeling of success and accomplishment for me is when people have a positive reaction to my writing. It has been my longest dream to be a "real" writer. Choosing to put my thoughts in written form is daunting task some days. But I'm always glad that I did.

Thank you and I hope you and yours have a happy and safe New Year. I look forward to taking you along on my journey in 2016.

Hiking Forward

I survived another Christmas, I hope that you all did as well. I spent the day with family (both real and "adopted"). Being around my family is always interesting, as inevitably the topic of "the long walk" inevitably comes up. I'm convinced that they all think that I'm certifiably crazy to walk away from my comfortable life and go live in the woods for six months. I get the same questions over and over - How long will it take? You're walking ALL the way? What will you eat? Are you going to have to poop outside? What happens when you run into a bear? I do my best to answer them and just smile. If I have to explain the imperative to them, they'll never really get it. It will be hard, it will be miserable, but I fully expect it to change my life. In some ways it already has. Committing to it has changed the way I look at the world.

Some more exciting news, I've been selected to be one of the 2016 hikers that is being promoted by HikeForward.com. It's a great site that will promote all my posts across the various social media sites that I will be using, widening the audience that I will get. I'm really excited about the opportunity. Scott, the guy behind Hiking Forward, has some great info on the site and his blog is a great read as well. Anything I can do to spread the word of my adventure will help to get some attention for Extra Life and the Children's Miracle Network. I hope that you will all stop by hikeforward.com and give Scott some traffic!

Touching base

Most of you know, I'm not much of a Christmas/Holiday person. I have a tough time around this time of year. My life is not the way I pictured it would be looking forward from when I was a much younger person. I know that can be said for almost all of us, but that doesn't really make it much easier. I have a lot of holes in my life, and I do the best I can to fill them with positives. I know that many people love and care for me, but the sense of lonesomeness can be overwhelming sometimes, usually in the deep end of the night, when my brain won't turn off.

I leave in less than 5 months, and the sense of time slipping away can be staggering. I have a lot done, but there's still tons left to do. I have the major bits of gear down, but there's still a lot of little things to get and plan. On the plus side, my diet has been making a difference, I'm down two pant sizes already, and I definitely feel better. Just trying to keep my head down, and momentum up and I'll get through it.

If I don't post again before Christmas, I hope that your holidays are good and that you are happy and safe. I look forward to the new year with excitement and relief.

Chits & Bits

Busy week this week, been scrambling to start planning next year's Tabletop Game Marathon. We've had great success so far, getting a rather large donation from a surprise donor that we'll announce later AND locking in a sponsor for our t-shirts (previously I paid out of pocket for them). One of the things that has also happened is that we've renamed the marathon to something a little more catchy and with a bit more identity. Rob came up with the name, which I absolutely love. With the new name, also comes a new logo, designed by Mike, one of the talented people helping me plan the marathon this year. Here it is -

Other exciting news, my blog(s) have been picked up by a new website and organization called Hiking Forward, which will be spreading my posts throughout the blogosphere (wherever that is). I'll have more information at the beginning of next year, but that's pretty exciting news. Spreading the word for Extra Life is always a good thing.

Speaking of Extra Life, got a little positive reinforcement on why I started the Tabletop Marathon yesterday. The first year I held it, it was supporting Child's Play which a charity started by the guys at Penny Arcade to support Children's Hospitals across the country. I was able to put Child's Play in touch with The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital here in Portland, and as a result, BBCH is getting a yearly award from Child's Play. With that award and some help from Microsoft, BBCH is putting Xbox One's in every child's room at the hospital, which will provide a great source of distraction for the kids. To have a distraction during some times of extraordinary pain and stress will be a huge boon to those kids and their families. It goes to show that a little effort on your part can end up making a huge impact. It definitely recharged my batteries to hear that positive news.

Do it!

A week and a half with no post, been kind of a slacker lately. <Insert typical excuses here> Realistically, no good reason but I do have something to talk about so here I am!

As the year wraps up, I begin to look forward to next year. I have many exciting things that are going to happen next year. One of them, I just found out about- As the fundraiser with the highest total for the year, The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital is sending me to Disney for the Extra Life United event, which is their national game tournament. I'll be competing to win additional funds that will be donated to BBCH. The prize pool is over $150,000! Four days at Disney, getting to meet and interact with fellow Extra Lifers and the families that are helped by the charity is going to be an amazing experience.  It will also give me an opportunity to spread the word about my hike. 

Planning has begun for next year's game marathon, in fact, I have a meeting later tonight to review some ideas. Bigger and better!

With all positives, it helps mitigate the negatives. The holidays are a tough time of year for a lot of people including me. I know that I have friends and family that love me but it's hard not to feel isolated this time of year. I focus on the good things and try to stay active and engaged but it can be tough to fight the desire to withdraw. I get through it every year but it is always on my mind. Talking (or writing) about it helps. Too many times people that feel isolated or disconnected have a very difficult time talking about how they're feeling. If you feel empty or alone or detached, it's okay to feel that way. Just know that you have people in your life that love you and will listen if you need to talk. 

A little early thanks

It's the day before Thanksgiving. Most of us will be spending some time with family and friends, and taking a moment to say thank you for all that life has given us. Here's a bit of what I'll be thankful for this year.

I'm thankful the people in my life, friends and family both. I've had a tough time over the past few years, and I have had many strong and loving people there to lean on. I couldn't have done it without you. You continue to support me, even when you think I'm crazy and will probably get eaten by bear (*cough* Shawn).

I'm thankful that I have a nice place to live and food and that I get to share it with my brother. We don't always see eye to eye, but I'm happy that he's there and that we get to spend time together. I think my Dad would be happy about that.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to pursue a long time dream of mine. I spend a lot of time thinking and planning for next summer. Thank you all for reading my musings and staying interested. I hope I can make your world a bit bigger and brighter.

Also, I officially registered my domain name www.onthetrailgamer.com. Maybe I can grow a little bit more now.

The spork and the sleeping bag

Another thrilling Thursday. Work is busy, after being slow for a few days. It was a welcome change at the beginning of the week to have a chance to breathe a bit between calls. Not any more.

Two pieces of my gear came in today...My sleeping bag - a 20 degree Kelty bag which compresses down to an incredibly small sack, and my titanium spork. The spork is awesome! It's super light and durable. Silly what things impress you isn't it? Here it is -

SPOON! and fork (some of you will get that).

Short post today, my lunch break is almost over. Back to the never-ending grind of tech support calls. Except it will end...in less than 6 months! 0_o

My future home

There it is. My future home for 6-8 months of next year. Doesn't look like much does it? It's a Big Agnes Fly Creek UL2. Packed weight of 2lbs. 5 oz. A little slice of privacy and protection from the outdoor world. I ordered yesterday, should arrive the beginning of next week. Once I get it, I'll open it, set it up and start looking for any issues that I may run into. Stitches that aren't perfect, stuff like that. It's going to take abuse, being taken down and set back up every day. Big Agnes has a good reputation, which I'm hoping is well earned.

My tent was the last major piece of gear that I needed to purchase. Next is the small stuff, things like stuff sacks, clothes, and shoes. The little sundries that I might need. I'm incredibly conscious of not getting too much, I'm trying to bare bones it. Luxuries will be at a minimum, as you might expect. I'm going to carry a paperback or two with me, and I'm hoping that I can arrange some swap outs with people along the way, as I finish reading them. There's some great series out there that I've never read before, so I'm going to try to pick one of them and start it fresh. Any suggestions?

The world stage

It has been a tough weekend for the world. The terror attacks in Paris and other places were heartbreaking to hear about. I can't imagine being there, experiencing that.  The world seems like a much smaller place when bad things happen. As much as we as Americans tend to pick on the French, no one deserves to experience the suffering or terror that was perpetrated in Paris.

I know that I tread on dangerous ground here. I'm going to broach a subject that many will disagree with. As several of my re-enactor friends have been known to say, "No politics or religion in the mess!" Please read what I write with an understanding and maybe give me a little leeway. Stop reading now if you feel like I'll offend you.

The French response to the terror attacks scares me. I am human, I understand the want or need to respond when a nation is attacked by another. I logically understand that Syria is a hotbed for terrorist activity. But it is also a nation where regular people live and work and grow up. Not everyone there is a terrorist. Whether the terror attack was state-sanctioned is information I do not have. I don't know a lot about a lot of things.

I'm not a pacifist, I understand that violence can be a necessary response. But I also know that violence begets violence. I feel like Syria will lash out and their targets may not be military, or even French. We're all fair game. I have friends in the military and also friends that live in large metropolitan areas. Those are the people I worry about this affecting. I worry that the situation will escalate. I worry that we will be drawn into another front on the "Global War on Terror". And I have no confidence in our government to manage the situation effectively.

These are the thoughts I have. I don't know the answers or pretend to understand the repercussions. I know that I've seen a lot of hate expressed for Muslims on Facebook from people that I considered friends. I understand the knee-jerk hate reaction. That doesn't make it okay.

Stop, take a breath. Understand that I'm expressing my fears, not being a hippie or a wuss. Respond if you want. Stop reading if that is what you feel like you need to do.

I'd just like the world to be here when I get back from my hike.

Nose to the grindstone

Another weekend down, another Monday here. I survived being on call again. Despite being paged a dozen times on Saturday, I had a decent weekend. Got a bunch of gaming in, which is definitely good for my sanity. Came in a close second place in 8 man Splendor tournament at Crossroad Games, which was a ton of fun.

This weekend was also the national Extra Life game day, which I'm sure I may have mentioned a few times. It was a huge success, raising over $1,000,000 over the weekend. That puts the year total to almost $6,600,000 to the Children's Miracle Network. Locally, we brought the total to over $20,000 for The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. Not too shabby for the little city of Portland. I know there's more events going forward, like Crossroad Games Thanksgaming.

Trying to get more in the habit of writing again, I let myself slide a bit. I'm also trying to get some branding in the form of my Facebook page, so if you can, please go over and give it a "Like". I'd really appreciate it. 

I'm still here

Wow, I 'm kind of a slacker. I just realized that it's been a week and a half since my last post. Time goes by too darn fast! I have no good excuse, just been working, playing games, doing my thing.  Extra Life has their national event this weekend, so I've been trying to promote that as much as I can. I went for a great hike last weekend up Douglas Mountain in Sebago. Here's a couple of the views from the top -

Top of Douglas Mountain, looking west to the White Mountains.

That photo was taken from a stone fire tower at the top. It has an extensive view of most of Western Maine, which was pretty awesome! That is Sebago Lake to the right side of the picture.

Other things going on - started to change my eating habits. I've been doing the Mediterranean diet on the recommendation of my doctor. Lots of fruits, veggies, lean meats and whole grains. Overall, pretty easy for me to follow, and it actually makes me feel a lot better on a daily basis. It also means that I'm cooking, which is MUCH better than eating out all the time.

Picked a few more pieces for my trip, a 20 degree Kelty sleeping bag, and some other minor things. I think the only major things I have left to purchase is my tent, and clothing, which I'm holding off a bit on. A lot of the stuff I've been getting is off Massdrop, which if you don't know what it is, you should check it out!

Uh, everything's under control. Situation normal.

I'm still here, promise. It's been a busy few weeks, but not in a bad way. Lots of social engagements, some work for Extra Life and just life in general. Work is...well, work. I put in my time and then off to bigger and better things.

So Extra Life's national event is coming up on November 7th and 8th. I spent Sunday at the Portland Comic Expo recruiting gamers for Extra Life, and it was a blast! I got to talk to a lot of people, and the expo was great. It was only its second year, but it was already much bigger than the year before. I got an amazing local artist Ben Bishop at bishart.net to do a Star Wars concept cover with his interpretation of Han Solo. It came out so great! Here it is -

 

 Ben is a great guy, he donated some original art (A great Casey Jones Sketch from TMNT) to last year's Tabletop Game Marathon for Extra Life. We can't wait to see more great stuff from him in the future. It's nice to see local artists doing such amazing work!

In case you missed the announcement, the date for the next Tabletop Game Marathon is going to be April 29-30, 2016. We've started planning and already have some donations lined up! Outstanding!

A hike with a view

I'm currently sitting on a path through the woods, leading down the mountain that I just (mostly) climbed. I made it about 3/4 of the way to the top of Pleasant Mountain, a 1500 ft peak in western Maine. Discretion being the better part of valor, I decided to turn around while my legs still had enough strength to make the descent without risking injury. 

The whole climb and the part of the descent I've made so far, I've been thinking of next year, of course. I'll be doing this kind of hike nearly every day. The views I've seen are nothing short of breathtaking, even though I've lived in this part of Maine for a good chunk of my life. I can't wait to experience other parts of the country and see what they have to offer. 

The wind is whistling through the trees. The sun is bright on my face, drying my sweat and giving a pleasant burst of warmth. My legs are shaky and tired but I can honestly say that I'm happy to be here right now. Experiences like these are too often blown past at the rate we do everything nowadays- too fast. 

Go out...take a walk. Look around a bit. You might like what you see.

Dreaming

I had one of my first anxiety dreams about hiking last night. I may have had others but I don't really remember any of them. Last night's was pretty vivid-I was running around my house gathering things that I'd need for the trip, because I KNEW I had to leave immediately or I'd miss my chance to go. I couldn't find everything so I was frantically searching everywhere to no avail. Sounds like I'm a bit anxious, doesn't it?

I was fine once I woke up, it's just a symptom of my personality. I have a sizable task ahead of me so my mind constantly turns back to it, turning the problem over and over, working at it like a loose tooth. I'm making strides towards my goal. My stove is in (and it is really cool! I can't wait to test it out) and I'll be ordering more stuff this week, after I do some digging into pricing and what sales are going right now.

Taking a hike up Pleasant Mountain on Saturday, which I'm looking forward to. The foliage here in Maine is pretty much perfect right now, so it should make for some great views. I'll post when I have some good pics!

Trail names?

I survived another week, and days are ticking by quickly. Only about 7 months until I leave! I ordered my stove this morning, just a little one, weighs about 12 oz. Here's a pic -

Pretty cool little rig, huh? It boils water in about 2 minutes. That'll make my morning cups of coffee, pretty darn fast!

Last week I was on call for work, which leads to a bit of anxiety. It was my first time on call, so I wasn't sure what to expect. I didn't paged a lot but still, I didn't sleep well all week, I kept having work dreams and waking up thinking I was hearing the phone go off. I'm glad to be off that rotation for a few weeks.

Jeff and I were talking trail names the other day. One of the things that is part of doing a thru hike, is the assignment of a trail name that you go by. Some people choose their own, others are nicknames given by other hikers. I honestly have no idea what mine will end up being. Jeff wants to go by "Coin Flip" cause that's the name of his Twitch channel, maybe it will stick, we'll see. He suggested "Sheep Dwarf" for me, cause one of my favorite games is one called Caverna, where you play a family of dwarves- mining and farming. It made me laugh, but we'll see!

Long time, no post

The day to day has been dragging me back into its seductive grip. I wake up each morning, trying to grasp what day of the week it is and what I have going on. All I've been doing lately is working. Playing a few games here and there. Trying to limit my spending, cause I'm going to need a ton of money to get through my journey. Being gone for 6 months will be interesting. I'll need to be paying my bills while I'm gone.

I know I've mentioned this before, but it's pretty amazing how trivial a lot of our daily existence has grown to be. We're very far from our roots, hunting and gathering to get food, clamoring for shelter, trying to survive. Our way of life is very soft. Even when I'm living out of my backpack next summer, it will be with items that are highly engineered and ultra light. Our advancements have been nothing short of incredible, and they continue to be. Stop and think a moment about how easy we have things. Food is fairly easy to obtain for most of us, shelter the same. Very rarely are confronted with issues that are life and death. Even the charity I support provides a lifeline for many children that even a handful of years ago would not have survived.

Our world is truly a wonderful place, our society has its issues, but even so- it is a marvel. I hope that I will gain a renewed appreciation for it after my excursion.

Long week

It's been a long tough week here. We're down below half strength at work, so the days have been long. Same number of calls and less than half of the number of people answering them. Makes for mental exhaustion. Plus I'm going on call starting this weekend, so who knows how much rest I'll be getting over this next week.

Still making baby steps towards the trip, working on logistics etc. Got a longer walk planned for tomorrow early, like 7 miles or so. That will be good, it's with my friend from San Fran that I walked with last week. I'm looking forward to it. It's also the Extra Life Tabletop Appreciation Weekend, so I'll be out promoting Extra Life at my friendly local game store Crossroad Games on Sunday.  Stop by and talk to me or play a game if you're around! It's for the kids!

Old friends

I went for a walk for an old friend that I haven't seen in a very long time this morning. He just moved back from the West Coast with his wife and their 8 month old. It's been about 10 years since the last time I saw him, so it was really good to reconnect. We walked and talked for about 2 hours, and covered almost six and a half miles. That was definitely the longest I've done so far, and my legs are pretty shot right now.

Usually when I'm going to see someone that I haven't in a while, I get a little nervous. Good old social anxiety at its best. For some reason, I didn't experience that today. We just kind of fell into a conversation, and it was completely natural. It's funny how some people you can not see for such a long time, but you're able to pick up without an problems or awkwardness.

Finding people you can sync with is an important part of getting through this world. Good friendships can last a decade apart. Make sure you make an effort to reconnect when you can.

Cold mornings

It's been a week since my last post. I have no good excuse, just caught up in the perils of daily life. Been playing a lot of Destiny, which is an excellent PS4 game. Work continues to be mentally draining, which leads me to want to be lazy when I get home. Tonight I have a guild meeting for Extra Life, the charity that I work with to support The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. I haven't been able to make the last couple, so this will be my first chance to talk to my guildmates about the Long Walk.

The weather has definitely turned from summer to fall in the span of just a few days. I've had to close the windows in the house when I get up in the morning. This is a welcome change, but it also makes me realize how important the decisions I make on gear are going to be for me. I will be carrying basically 3 sets of clothes, one-my regular hiking attire, two-comfortable clothes to change into when I'm camped, and three-my warm stuff. If my warm stuff isn't warm enough, I won't be a happy camper! I'm doing my best to meticulously research what combinations will work best.

One other step I've taken to prep is to put my motorcycle up for sale. I won't be riding it all for basically over a year and a half. It makes more sense to me to sell it when it's still worth something, and not be paying for something that I'm not using. When I get back, I can focus on getting my dad's bike back on the road, which is the ultimate goal anyway. So if you know anyone, here's the link at Cycletrader.com.

Trying

Some days it's hard to sit here with a blank page in front of me and know what to say. It's hard to find your voice sometimes, hard to know what to say, what to ask, how to help. But trying is the important part, trying to make things better, trying to be there for someone who needs it. You never know what they're going through. I spend a lot of time in my own head, wondering if what I'm doing is the right thing. Thinking, second guessing, worrying.

We are a unique species, our self-awareness is both a blessing and a curse. Our empathy can be a major factor in what kind of people we are. I've met people that have no empathy and they tend to be selfish or unaware of their impact on others. I tend to over-empathize, which can be paralyzing in some situations. I put my own needs and wants last, which can have a negative impact on my mental health.

While my trek is being used to raise money for Extra Life, it is something that I have chosen to do for myself. It's a dream that I've held in the back of my mind for a long time, and an opportunity for me to make a change in MY life and how I live it. I'm leaving a lot of things behind, including friends, family, and a job. I'd like to think these things will be waiting for me when I return, but some of them may not be. That's a chance that I understand and accept. I hope for a lot of things of positive things from this journey.

I went for a walk

I went for a walk this morning with the new pack, trying to do two things - to break in the pack and more importantly, to break myself in to wearing it. I took the Sebago to the Sea trail, which is close to where I live. There's a number of side trails that spur off the main trail, so there's plenty to explore.

The pack felt good, it took some adjusting, but it rode well. Of course, there was nothing in it. Next summer, it should be in the 25-30lb range. As I get more miles under my belt, I'll start adding more weight. Walking through the tunnel of trees, it was quiet and peaceful. I went early, and I didn't run into anyone. Being out there felt natural and right.

It made me a little bit more sure of my decision. I still have doubts, I think that's natural. I had several people ask me last week if I was going to go through with it. I answered unequivocally yes. And going for my walk today, just made me that much more sure.

Suicide Awareness Week

This post will not be a happy post, but it will be one that needs to be read. It will be a hard one to write and I'm sure it will be hard to read as well. But it will be honest. I hope you make it through and it helps you understand a bit better, and maybe you will be able to help someone you love.

It is Suicide Awareness Week, a fact I wasn't aware of until a few minutes ago. My sister-in-law shared a wonderful post on her Facebook page, which I shared. I also wanted to tell you the story of how suicide has affected my life. Most of you know that my father took his own life, June of last year. I wanted to tell his story. But first you should know that my father was not the first suicide that has affected me.

When I was in college, I was part of the RIT rowing team for a year, and I had a blast. It was a great team to be a part of and I got into the best shape of my entire life. I made a ton of friends, and part of my success was do to my coach, Margaret. She was an amazing, friendly, outgoing woman that encouraged us every day. Over the summer, I worked for her at the RIT library for a while, and then one day it all came to a crashing halt. I received a call from one of my teammates with the news that Margaret had taken her own life. I was blown away, uncomprehending. She had seemed so happy and engaged. We gathered together as a team, and all I saw around me were stunned looks and disbelief. We came to find out that Margaret had struggled with depression all her life. I struggled to understand, but I walked away from rowing. My teammates and I never really talked about it. It was too painful to be there without her.

Flash forward to almost twenty years later. The specifics may be something I get into another time, but suffice to say, my father had struggled for a very long time with depression. It was a battle I knew that he fought but it's one of those things that is emotionally charged and difficult to talk about. As a result, it was largely avoided. I asked how he was but I didn't know how to help him. I tried to make sure that he knew that I cared about him and loved him. Additionally, he had Hepatitis C, probably from sharing needles. It was a debilitating horrible disease that drained him away. He took part in experimental treatments that nearly killed him. They made it hard for him to think, to move, to eat, to do anything at all. He lost himself, who he was. It was hard to watch him go through this, so I withdrew. I only saw him rarely, and it was always painful. I will regret that for the rest of my life.

In my opinion, he pinned a lot of his hopes on the experimental treatments, and when they were through he was still not the same. His memory was gone, he couldn't remember how to do things that he had done a thousand times. He had always worked on cars, and now he couldn't remember how to change a tire. Depression was a raging beast that chased him every second of every day. He fought as much as he could but it wasn't enough. I don't know if I could have done anything to stop it. He was losing himself, and I don't blame him for what happened. I wish I had been able to spend more time with him, that I wasn't afraid of the pain it caused me to see him struggle.

When people ask about my father, it hurts to talk about. It's a hard thing to have to do, and there is stigma attached. There is shame, where there shouldn't be. Depression is so common, I guarantee there is someone in your life that faces it. They may hide it- but be watchful, be persistent and most of all-be there for them. Give them the strength they need to get the help they need. It's okay to be scared, but you must face that fear. Don't waste an opportunity, you may never get it again. I guarantee that you will be in far more pain when you look back on the wasted chances.

Last days of summer

Labor Day weekend is almost over, the last hurrah of summer. Soon all the tourists will be heading home, leaving us natives in peace. Traffic will be reduced, and it will be easier to get around. Fall is just around the corner, my favorite time of year. I woke this morning reflecting on how different next summer will be.

Next summer, I won't be sleeping in a bed or watching TV, or driving my car. No motorcycle rides, no binge watching TV shows, no barbecues on my deck. No hanging out with friends, playing games. I am trading all those things for a change in my life. I will be walking every day, for miles. I will be sleeping under the stars. I have no idea what I'll be eating, but I'm sure it won't be extravagant. Everything I use will be in my backpack. I will meet new people and make new friends. It is going to be different than anything I have ever done.

Every day I get closer to my departure date. Every day is one step further in my journey. Time has a funny way of slipping past. I'm doing my best to make sure what time I have before I leave count.

Sobering thoughts

In the midst of everything yesterday, I forgot to mention that I got the backpack that I'll be using for my hike. When I picked up the box, I was pretty shocked at how light it was. I picked it up used from a fellow blogger for Appalachian Trials, and it was in excellent shape. I shrugged it on and walked around my basement for a few moments with it on. Immediately, I realized that this would be something that I wore most likely every day for at least half a year. I kind of blew my mind for a while. This pack would be my most constant companion for 2,200 miles and a major turning point of my life. I better start getting used to it.

Another thing that I've been thinking a lot about is the second leg of my journey, where I'll be solo. There will be long periods of time with little to no human interaction. While kind of exhilarating, it is also a very sobering thought. I think I will be fine, but there will definitely be a loneliness to it. There will also be a change in me mentally. I will come out stronger and more at peace with myself than I have ever been. I've been looking for something all my life, something that means something, and perhaps this walk in the woods will help me find it.

Tiger strike

Grief is such a strange animal...The closest thing I can compare it to is love. Both can strike you out of the blue, without much pretext or warning. I was driving home from work tonight after a typical busy Monday. The sun is out, it's pretty warm out, so I had the windows down. I wasn't thinking much of anything, other than following the audio book I'm currently listening to (Duma Key by Stephen King, if you care). Then bam- tiger strike from the old grief monster. Full on- tears streaming down the cheeks, and shortness of breath. Missing my Dad with every fiber of my being. Thinking on the adventure I'm going to embark on, and wondering what he would think.

It passed quickly, like a surprise thunderstorm. It left me shaken and tired. It burned through the rest of my energy, so all I had left is the desire to lay down. I had to make myself sit down and write this. All I want to do is turn on the TV and ignore the world. I will fight through for a while, I have dinner to make and a few other things, before I can rest my weary head. It's been over a year since we lost him. I hope that he found some peace.

Existential crisis

Talking to a friend the other day, he mentioned how sometimes his life felt pointless. Like what he did or didn't do wouldn't be important after he was gone. This struck a chord with me, as I think that it is a common feeling for a lot of people out there. This existential crisis is a symptom of the world we live in, where many of our jobs are trivial on the grander scale of things. Our society is so specialized that many of our jobs exist only to support a facet of modern life that is largely unnecessary. Take my current job for instance. I offer technical support for a point of sale software tailored to dry cleaners. Would things on a long term scale truly matter if suddenly dry cleaners didn't exist? Not really. If I wasn't here to do this job, would it really matter? Probably not in the grand scale. So how do you respond to this? What makes you get out of bed every morning?

I told him that was what made my work with Extra Life matter. My job is a means to an end. Because if I can make some child's pain a little less because they have somewhere to recover, that means I have impacted the world. Not in a big way, but in a way that I'm able to justify. It gives the struggles I have a little definition, and makes the hard times a bit easier to bear. The desire to be remembered is part of being a human, don't ignore it. Find something that makes your step a little lighter, that makes you stand a little straighter when you talk about. Be passionate about something.

One of my favorite quotes is from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (a great show if you've never watched it) - "The hardest thing in this world is living in it."

Cursed

Sleep, oh ye elusive beast...
you creep close and then skitter away before I can grab hold
tormentor, you seem so near.
the harder I try to capture you it's to no avail

Normally, right now, I'd be slumbering blissfully away. Yes it's only a little past 11pm but I'm an early bird, so I crash early. Not tonight. I went up to bed a few hours ago, tossed and turned for a few hours, and gave up. Too much running through my head.

Too many bills to pay, too many things to plan, too many worries. If there was some sort of digital readout on my brain, it would be in the red. It's a problem I've lived with for as long as I can remember. I get overwhelmed with things, my brain goes nuts and I don't sleep well for a while. Welcome to my own private hell.

Price to pay

Monday morning. In stereotypical fashion, I am, of course, dragging today. Patently unmotivated would be a fair term to use. I had a decent weekend. Saturday I was at my friendly local game store, Crossroad Games, to help them celebrate their 16th anniversary. It was fun, I ran a D&D game, which went really well, probably one of the best I've ever run. It felt good to flex my imagination and tell a story. I think the reading and writing I've been doing more of lately, have really awakened that part of me that has been lulled to sleep by the drone of the idiot box, where you don't have to think. It is invigorating to me, to tell a tell and watch as people you're telling it to get drawn in.

Imagination is a funny thing. I spend a lot of time suppressing it, because it invariably makes me imagine the worst possible outcome of any given situation. It's the thing that makes me unable to sleep with the closet door open. There's usually a price to pay for any talent. A lot of the fears I bear are direct results of the things I've read or heard over the years. I absorb them, unable to stop the runaway train of horrible images that railroad through my mind. There's always a price to paid for talents.

Ticking away

I managed to survive what was a very tough week of work. It's amazing how much that can take out of you. I didn't have the energy to do anything after work except eat some dinner and then watch a little TV and then pass out. Not a very productive week. I need this weekend to recharge the batteries a bit before it starts all over again.

Throughout it all, I still hear the clock ticking in the background. I'm still working on getting gear donations, not having a ton of luck so far, but I'm not really surprised at that all that much. I've been holding off on creating a gear list until I can find out if anything is going to be donated, but I think the time has come to at least put something down and start working on it.

It's only Wednesday

I'm sitting at my desk waiting for file transfers to happen. Another wonderful day of technical support. Some days I feel like the modern world and my day to day existence is eroding my soul, one megabit at a time. I have a window behind me in the office and I look out occasionally at the wider world. I wonder where I'll be in a year. I know what I'll be doing, probably walking. It seems really far away when it's mid-afternoon and there's still a ton of calls to wade through before I can go home. And it's only Wednesday.

My file transfer is over 50% now. Only a hundred megabytes to go. The speed of transfer seems to be our primary concern for everything nowadays. How fast can you get there? I don't want to get anywhere fast anymore. I want to see the sights. I want the experience of getting there.

Inspiration

A friend of mine sent me a Facebook message this morning, to let me know that I had inspired her and another friend of ours to start running and exercising more often. That was a little surprising to me, but after I thought about it for a bit, it made sense. Often when I see that someone else is making a change in their lives, it makes me want to follow suit. The changes I've made so far are fairly small, but they will be much larger in about 8 months or so. I'm glad that I was a positive agent for change to someone.

There's a lot of times when I don't see the impact that I have on the world, I'm just one guy who spends most days thinking what I do doesn't make much of an impact. There are billions of people in the world, and I don't have children to teach, or much of a legacy to leave behind. I know that's flawed logic, everyone has a legacy, but it is my emotional brain that runs the show a lot. My work with Extra Life and The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital is the thing that keeps that emotional, negative part of me in check. I can look back and say "Well, I didn't get much done, but at least I did that." And every time that I add another dollar to the amount I've raised, or brought someone else to awareness of what Extra Life is, it's one more tally in the positive column. Every check mark there is one more fear that doesn't paralyze me in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. If my legacy is the Tabletop Game Marathon continuing to be an event for years to come, I will rest easy. If in twenty years, I can look back at a series of pictures of me waving the Extra Life flag at various points along the Appalachian Trail, that will mean that all my struggles were worth it.

Find something that inspires you. Make a change. If not now, when?

Pretty old school

One of the things that I've noticed in writing this blog on a (semi) regular basis, is how good it feels to flex my writing muscles. This is the most writing that I've done for a long time or in actuality probably ever. It has also awakened my desire to read, I've been reading two different books as well as listening to an audio book in the car on my commute. All these things make my mind hungry for more. As a result, I dusted off a novel that I haven't touched in over a year, one that I really hope to finish. As I re-read what I'd written so far, it drew me in once again, made me remember where I was and where I wanted to go with it. I started working on it again as of this morning.

One of the things that I'll have ample time for on the trail is thinking. I hope that I can turn that into more writing. I'm not sure how I'll accomplish that, a smartphone is not ideal for composition, and a laptop is way too heavy and fragile to carry. Maybe just an old fashioned notebook will suffice. Might be an interesting experience to write that way again. I can't remember the last time I wrote something down long form. Pretty old school. But that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Have you tried turning it off and then turning it back on again?

Having spent the week just outside of NYC in New Jersey, it was a stark reminder of how nice it is to live where I do. Everything I saw in NJ was road, strip malls, apartments or houses that had postage stamp sized yards. Even at night, the world was awash with light and color and sound. We drove home late Friday night and it was about 1 a.m. when I was getting close to my home in Gorham. I looked out the window and was immediately surprised at how DARK it was outside. There were no lights out the window except for the stars.

I can't imagine living my life surrounded by so much all the time. I would imagine that it is a draining experience for your soul. Nothing recharges my batteries more than sitting on my deck in the darkness and just experiencing the peace and quiet of my section of the world. Next summer will be a cleansing of my soul. I will be disconnected from the "real world" of television and video games and the constant bombardment of media. I submit that I will be the one in the REAL world. A world largely unmarred by technology and human hands. As much as I love my toys, I feel like I need to unplug as much as I can. I work in IT and everything needs a reboot every once in a while.

Curse you, New Jersey.

First of all, I apologize for the lack of updates. I was in New Jersey all week last week for work and it was an exhausting experience. I simply didn't have the energy or time to get any updates in. Basically, everything that could go wrong over the course of the week, did.

But I'm back now! So here I am. I went for a 4 mile walk today, which felt pretty good. I spent some time playing some games this afternoon, kind of getting back into the swing of my "normal" life. Now that I'm back and in regular mode, I'll get back to my regular updates, I promise. 

Mountain Division Trail

I just finished a nice 4 mile walk on the Mountain Division Trail, which runs close to my house. The MDT goes from Fryeburg to Portland, a stretch of 52 miles. Not much compared to the AT but it is a great place to walk and bike. I ran into 3 deer, which was a nice surprise considering it was about 10am and broad daylight. 

It was also the first chance I'd had to get some exercise in the past few weeks being sick and all. It felt good to get out there again. I'm still coughing like crazy but that will pass. 

I'm headed to Boston Comic Con tomorrow morning and from there down to New Jersey for work for the week. Working in a dry cleaning plant in August should be a blast!

I'm back

No updates for the past few days, I was pretty much down for the count. I started coming down with it on Friday, but it hit me really hard Saturday night until well, actually I'm still feeling pretty crappy, but at least my throat isn't on fire. I basically laid on my couch from Saturday until I went to work this morning. Not fun at all.

Being that sick, it made me think about next summer of course. If I come down with something, it's going to be a rough go. The thought of being as sick as I was and being out in the woods is kind of a sobering thought. I'm sure something will happen, I'm just hoping to avoid the major sicknesses. Sniffles are one thing but I could barely eat because my throat hurt so much. There's going to be a lot to contend with next summer but I'll take things one day at a time. That's all you can do I think.

In the course of my reading yet another book on the AT, I've starting thinking about what my journey will change in my life. I think that I'll come back a different person than I left. I expect that I will be more in touch with who I really am and what is truly important in life. I've lost myself in my daily life. Maybe I can find me again on the trail. Get back something I gave up on.

Sick!

I'm on the verge of my first full weekend off in a while. I've been working Saturdays for the last 6-8 months or so and it was a drag. So what happens when I wake up this morning? Scratchy throat and a cough. At first, I thought maybe it was from sleeping with the A/C on but no, it's definitely a bug. That means a very exciting weekend, probably camped out on the couch.

Yesterday I had a road trip to outside Boston for work, it ended up being about a 11 hour day including travel. Despite the long day, it was still nice to travel a bit. I have another trip to NJ coming up in a week or so, and I'll be there for the whole week. We're going to be about an hour from NYC, so I'm hoping to get into the city to do some stuff at night. I've been to NYC a few times and it was pretty awesome. I really enjoyed being there and the energy of the city. It seems odd that I would like it that much, given how much I don't generally enjoy being around people, but I did. Maybe it's because, New Yorkers are pretty isolationist, so there are minimal interactions unless necessary.

I'm not holding out hope for a good weekend, but send the positive vibes my way!

Gear. Gear. Gear.

The past few nights my dreams and thoughts have been plagued by gear donation requests. I spent 2 hours yesterday morning and another hour and a half this morning researching companies and carefully crafting emails to them. Now I will start obsessively checking my email for responses. It's kind of my thing.

Here's the thing about gear for this type of adventure. It's EXPENSIVE. The lighter it is, the better it is. Every time I open a website and look at the gear, I freak out a bit. All I can see is dollar signs. Hence the haunted dreams. I'm really hoping that the fact that I'm using my hike to raise money for Extra Life will net me the attention of some of the gear companies. Many of them offer trail ambassador programs, in exchange for reviews, updates and photos from the trail. I should be good at that, right?

New job is good, it's interesting to be back at an old job. I believe I'm going to Boston tomorrow to a customer site, so that's kind of cool. The BAD part of the new job is that I'm going to bi-weekly pay and my first week is a pay week. That means no paycheck for another 2 weeks, which means I'm basically broke until 2 weeks from today. Puts a crimp in the old lifestyle.

New old job

Back to the grindstone today, started my new old job with a software company I worked for a year ago. It's a good change of pace, being out of the retail world. 

Last weekend was a whirlwind tour. I had a great time at my friends' wedding but the day went by too fast. Jeff and I went to REI and started browsing gear, which included getting fitted for backpacks. The staff at REI was great, really passionate and knowledgable in what they do. 

Look at this idiot. 

This is Jeff, my companion for the  northern half of the trail.

One of the things REI did was load up the packs with 25 lbs of weight, which is my goal weight including food. It was much heavier than I expected. I've got a lot of prep to do. 

The best part of the day was the wedding though, I got to spend some time with some great friends that I haven't seen in a long time. Sometimes, seeing people like that reminds you how lucky you are, and a little sad that such wonderful people can slip out of your life. So to Melodie and Tavis, congratulations again, I am so happy for you. And to Amanda, Kris, Jim, Kathie and Jeff- I am truly blessed to have spent the day with you, even if it was just for a fleeting day. 

Hitting the road. Again.

About to hit the road for the 2 hour drive to Pittsburgh. I'll be spending the day with my long time friend and future hike companion, Jeff. It will be the first time we've met face to face since we decided to tackle this long walk. I'm sure there will be a lot of discussion and planning. Or maybe not. We're both kind of procrastinators. 

Later today is the wedding. I'm a bit nervous as I imagine I'll see people that I haven't seen for years and years. Plus I always get nervous before social occasions, sometimes sick to my stomach. In the past I've let that stop me from interacting, but I'm really working hard to make myself get out there and not miss opportunities. Life is too damn short. 

People watching

I was up pre-dawn this morning. Four a.m. to be exact. I had a flight to catch at six, the first leg of my journey to Cleveland. I land in there at about noon and will spend the night at my parents. Tomorrow I'll be driving to Pittsburgh for a good friend of mine's wedding. I'm excited, I think I'll get to see a lot of people I haven't for a very long time. 

Right now, I'm on a layover in Baltimore. Every time I'm in a major airport, I'm reminded how many people there are out there. Most places in Maine are pretty uncrowded compared to some of the major airports. It makes me uncomfortable to be around this many people. 

One of the good things, though, is the people watching. It's easy to sit back and observe the masses pass by like flotsam on the raging river of arrivals, departures and gate changes. The confused and worried looks of travelers unsure of where to go or how to get there. I wonder where they're going and what's waiting for them when they get there. I wonder what their happiest moments were and how they match up to mine. Did their worst moment happen yet or is it still to come? Do they have someone try love more than any other, that they've never stopped loving no matter what?

People watching is fascinating to me. It lets me step outside the chaos in my brain and the emotions of my daily life. It reminds me that I'm not the only one in the world. 

I'm okay

On the subject of blogging, it is hard to do. My posts have gone down from a daily thing to semi-daily. Mostly because I'm not sure what to write about every day. It's difficult to come up with something to say, that isn't just a re-hash of something I've already said. And I don't want to bore my audience with recycled garbage. 

My life isn't terribly exciting, at least from the inside. I have my struggles, lately things have been tough. It's pretty cyclical for me. I have a bad stretch for a while where I get very introspective but eventually I snap out of it. I get a lot of people asking if I'm okay. Okay is a relative term, I guess. If I'm just okay that's usually pretty good for me. It's better than not okay. 

I have things to look forward to. Doing okay is attained one baby step at a time. A friend asked me what is too personal to put into a blog. I told her its relative. I'm not looking to share anything that is mean or will hurt anyone's feelings but not lying to myself is a huge point of my writing. It's cathartic for me to transcribe my worries into this form.  So don't worry-as long as I'm writing I'm doing okay. 

Leg up

I've been voraciously reading books on the subject of the Appalachian Trail, not really surprising I suppose. I tend to approach things that I've committed to with extensive investigation, I like to know what to expect. Most of what I'm reading is helpful and the biggest message is that most of the success for a thru-hiker is mental. Commitment is the biggest boon to have. I feel like I'm pretty well prepared there.

One of the other things I read just yesterday was that over three-quarters of thru-hikers are introverts by nature. That kind of surprised me at first, but then I thought about it. An introvert gets their energy internally from solitude and reflection. Being around other people drains them. What better place to draw on your internal strength than far from the world? I would imagine that an extrovert on the trail might feel exceedingly lonely, being removed from their circle. Just an interesting perspective that bears some thought. Being as introverted as I am, I guess I have a leg up.

Ups and downs

Monday, Monday, Monday. You always seem to come at the worst time. I had a good, but extremely hot day yesterday, over 90 degrees here in Maine, most of the day. My buddy Dave and I rode our motorcycles to Wolfeboro NH, about a 140 miles round trip. Being on the bike, helped keep me cooler, but when I got home it was too sticky to do anything but lay in my bedroom with the A/C on until I got bored enough to find somewhere cooler and more entertaining. Not going to be an option next summer.

I've been somewhat at odds with a friend of mine for the past week or so, which is disheartening. I hope we've resolved the issue, but it's tough to express an emotional response without being hurtful or accusatory. I am kind of a sensitive person, way too much for my own good most of the time, so I get hurt easily. I do my best to not fall victim to it, but it happens regardless.

I feel good today, despite all that's going on. I finish my tenure at my current job tomorrow, I have a few days off and then on to bigger and better things next week. Planning some hikes in my down time, nothing too crazy but still should be fun.

Sleep? Yeah, right.

Getting anything done without a good amount of sleep is challenging. I've not been sleeping well for the past few weeks and it catches up to me almost daily. With me, insomnia seems to come in cycles, where I'll not sleep well for a few weeks or a month, and then I'm okay for a bit. I wonder how this will affect me on the trail. I wonder if it will even be a problem on the trail? Will I, once I unplug from the stresses of my daily existence, just be able to sleep at the drop of a hat? That would be an interesting phenomenon, because it's been a number of years (well actually, most of my adult life) that I've had issues with sleep.

I'm working on a new post for Appalachian Trials. One of the challenges of writing for that site, is that I want to create interesting original content, and not just recycled bullshit. So coming up with topics can be challenging. I think I've got a good one going now, so I hope you'll check it out.

Back at it

Been a week since my last post, but it's been a bit hectic around here. That and I'm a big slacker, ha ha. I'll be getting back on track as of today. I had the whirlwind trip to Cleveland, the long drive back with my Mom, I was sick over the weekend, and then back to work yesterday. Lots and lots of things that just all kind of added up and overwhelmed me, to be honest.

One of the chronic things I deal with lately, is a sense of loneliness. I have a ton of friends and they're fun to hang out with. I have family visiting and it's great to see them and spend time with them. I live with my brother, which is also a good thing. But I haven't been in a serious relationship in a few years, and I really miss that intimacy of spending time with someone special. Talking about things, doing things together. At my age and with my personality (not the most outgoing), it's incredibly hard to meet women. The ones I have met and gone out with have not really been a good match for me. Most of the good ones are taken, as the saying goes! It's hard to not get down about it. Everyone says, "Oh, you'll meet someone, don't give up." Easier said than done.

Well enough of my moping. It's something I live with. I have exciting adventures ahead to occupy my mind. I'm in my last week of work where I'm at, and I start the new job the week after next. I'm looking forward to my trip to Pittsburgh for my friends' wedding. It will also be the first chance I have to sit down and talk to Jeff about our trip next summer. Hoping we can nail down some details and start planning a bit more. Time is slipping away, as it always does. And the stairs are looking at me again, wondering where I've been.

Ramble on

It's been a hectic couple of days, and that trend will be continuing. Lots going on in my daily life. I'm changing jobs the middle of this month, so I'm trying to tie things up at work. Yesterday was the 1 year mark since the passing of my Dad, so it was a bit of an emotional day. I did okay with it, not great, but better than I expected. Thanks to those who did their best to distract me. Later today, I'm jumping on a flight to Cleveland, to help my Mom drive here for vacation. While a 12-14 hour trip in the car isn't my favorite thing, I'm happy to help her out.

The trip continues to loom in my mind. I walked about 5 miles Monday night around Portland, and I was pretty tired. I'll be doing double to triple that on the trail, and it will be tougher walking. I really need to get my ass in gear.

A little soggy

Yesterday I got a taste of what the future will bring and it is soggy. I was part of the volunteer crew that helped staff the local Color Run, a 5k race that benefited The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. I was stationed at one of the water stops. There was torrential rain for the entirety of the race, so I was soaked to the bone within a few minutes of being there. I was out there in the rain for a good four hours. My hands looked like this -

It was a pretty uncomfortable experience, however, it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Next summer, there will be no warm dry car to climb in. I keep hitting this point, but stop and really think about it. How much do you take for granted every day? You expect to be warm and dry and have someplace to sleep. I expect next summer for most of the trip to be mostly dry, but I'm sure there will be times of misery. And I'll have to work for most of them, which will make them that much more rewarding.

Control

I didn't post yesterday, mostly because I'm a big slacker. I kept thinking about it and then putting it off, and then it just didn't happen. It's okay to let things go once in a while as long as it doesn't become a habit.

This morning I'm thinking about the adversity of nature. I'm reading a great book on lightweight hiking by Ray Jardine, and he talks about our obsessive need to control our environment. We go to dinner and expect service will be good, food will be hot, etc. In our day to day lives, a lot of what we do is to keep or gain control over our environment. We mow our lawn, we clean the house, we turn on the air conditioner when it's hot, and the heat when it's cold.

Nature could give a shit about our need for control. Next summer, on the trail, I will have very little control over my environment. If it rains, I'm going to get wet and have to deal with it. If it's hot, I'm going to sweat. There won't be a house to go back to at the end of the day. One of the biggest lessons I'm going to have to learn is to roll with it. The control I will need to assert is my emotion, and my reaction to the world around me. I expect it will be a hard lesson, but one worth learning.

Sacrifice

One of the hardest lessons that I've ever had to learn is that life is unfair and doesn't owe us anything. I think a lot of people I've met and even some friends of mine have never really learned that lesson. It's very much a product of our culture. Every person is special and deserves to be happy. While I agree with the sentiment that everyone should be happy, the fundamental flaw with the sentiment lies in the fact that you must work for your happiness. A lot are content to sit back and wait for happiness to find them and it never does.

The charity work I've done and continue to pursue is not easy. My journey ahead will be the most difficult thing I've ever undertaken. But it will provide a sense of purpose, accomplishment and most of peace with a chaotic world. I will give back some happiness to the children and families that use the services of the Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. If I can make their darkest times just a little bit brighter, than the struggle and pain and sacrifice will be worth everything.

Eyes on the prize.

Work, work, work. The days blend together and I feel time slipping away. I think while the hike seems so far away, that it's going to be on top of me, glaring down at me before I know it. There's so much I need to do. It's easy to get dragged into the daily struggle, but I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

Dark wings, dark words

Rainy Tuesday, which is okay with me. The sound of rain is soothing, reminds of old memories. I can remember standing in the barn of the house I grew up in, watching a thunderstorm roll in and hearing the drumming of the rain on the roof. Rain pelting off the leaves of trees and bushes, creating a rustling song.

I had a rough night last night, not my first, definitely not my last. Lots of things going on in my head, thoughts you just can't shut off. Regrets. A lot of people tell me to not have regrets, but it's not easy to turn things off. I have so much to look forward to, things on the horizon. My undertaking is exciting but it is also scary. I'm afraid of failure. What if I can't pull it off?

I'm going to gamble on myself. I know that what I'm attempting is worth it. Wish me luck.

Back at it

No post yesterday, I was way too tired and had a bunch to do. My friends threw me an amazing surprise party the night before, for my 40th birthday. I had no idea and it was a complete shocker. Epic party, the coolest I've ever had, by far.

Back at it this morning though. Up early, just finished my stairs for the day. That was the first time in a few days and they hit me pretty hard. The trail has been a distant thought for a few days, with so much going on in my life. I need to regain my focus a bit. This week I'll be hitting some sponsors for gear donations. The BBCH has gotten me a letter stating that I am working with them. We'll see how it goes.

Late night.

Short, late post today. I was at a concert until 1am last night, it was an excellent show. In the back of my mind, I was thinking of all the things that I will miss next summer/fall. It'll be the people in my life mostly, but some events will come up I'm sure. I think it will be worth it. It will be an experience like nothing I've ever attempted. Soldier on!

I survived

I survived my birthday, which managed not to be incredibly terrible, despite all the dread that I had built up about it. I guess it's not such a big deal, although it still seems a little weird if I have to tell someone I'm 40. Blech.

I had the day off from work, and I did a bunch of running around, nothing unpleasant just another day. Visited friends, had lunch with a former co-worker that I hadn't seen in a long time, a few beers with another friend. Dinner at this amazing ramen place in Portland with another friend, and we walked around Exchange St and got an ice cream.

I talked to a number of new people about my plans for next year, and they were all pretty awestruck, which is I suppose a good thing. I must have explained it about 6 times yesterday. I'm going to get pretty good at that, I assume. I got some pieces of the puzzle I was waiting for from my contact at BBCH so I should be putting together sponsorship requests soon. Time to shake the trees and see what comes out.

On my name day

It's here. The day of dread. I hit the 40 mark. I don't know how to feel about today. I'm glad that I made it this far, and I have a lot to look forward to. I've got a lot on my plate over the next year, and while it's very exciting, it's also a little daunting.

This is also the first birthday since I lost my dad. Father's Day is Sunday and the end of the month is when he died, so the next few weeks are going to be rough. I'm trying to focus on the positive. Chin up and all that. Send some positive thoughts my way. I'll need them.

Busy day

Busy day today, so this will probably be a short post. I'm up early to meet my buddy Dave on the bike. We're heading over to Bike Week in Laconia, NH today. We'll meet up with our other friend Alex in Rochester, NH. I've been trying to get to Bike Week for a few years now, but its never worked out before. Today looks like a perfect day for a long ride. Then when I get back this afternoon, I'll be going out tonight with my friend Gianna to go see Coheed & Cambria in Portland. I've heard a bit of their stuff and enjoyed it, and she really wanted to go, so I told her I'd take her.

Tomorrow is my 40th birthday. It doesn't seem possible, I still feel like a 20-something. I probably still act like a 20-something most days. Maybe some day I'll grow up a bit.

It's official

It's official, I have my login information and am free to start posting on appalachiantrials.com. I will be blogging there on a different schedule than my daily updates here, and that content will all be unique. I hope that you'll check it out and share it. The more people that know about the trek, the more exposure Extra Life will get and the more money that can be raised for the kids!

I was up way too late last night. I went and saw Jurassic World, which was a pretty damn good movie. However, I went to said movie that started at 9:50pm. Normally past my bed time (I'm definitely a morning person), but it was a friend of mine and she wanted to go with her friends too, so what the heck right? I went to bed around 12:30 a.m. Cue 5 a.m.- My eyes pop open as usual. I stare blindly at the ceiling for about five minutes. I close my eyes. I open them again. This time it's 6:00 a.m. I mutter some obscenities to myself and sit up. Another day in paradise, right?

Don't forget to look for posts from me on appalachiantrials.com. I'll try to let you know when I put something up there.

Something different

Making the most of my time here has been something on my mind over the past year. Since losing my father, it has become painfully obvious how quickly things can get away from you. You never know when your life will get turned on it's ear and suddenly, someone that's important to you is gone. Hiking the AT is about following a dream for me. It's been a dream for a very long time, one that I lost sight of for a long while. I know that a lot of people are worried about what will happen, are concerned that I'm going to get hurt or be unable to finish.

I know what I'm going to do is more dangerous than sitting at home, watching TV. But it is also going to be rewarding. I'm taking a chance on myself, so that I when I look back on my life, I can say to myself - "I did something different. I did something that very few people have ever done. I lived a dream." I'm going to raise money for a charity that means a lot to me (speaking of which, have you pledged yet?). I'm writing every day. I've been picked up by a major outdoor blog site, another dream of mine. Good things can happen when you take a chance and live. I have had a lot of regrets in my life, but this will not be one of them.

Tweaked

Sunday, the day of rest. Except I haven't been. I've been cleaning like a madman, cause I have people coming over for barbecue and games. So I've been sweeping and dusting and cleaning, something I can sometimes fall behind on. Okay more than sometimes. I'm not here at the house all that often, so I tend to let things slide a bit. But I'm making up for it now. I went to the grocery store early this morning and picked up some babyback ribs which are smoking on the pellet grill right now. Should be a good feed and a good day.

Was going to do some stairs this morning but I managed to dump my bike in the driveway last night. I was pulling around into the garage, it was dark, and I managed to hit the one patch of mud in the yard. I wasn't going fast, but I did go over and tweaked my knee and hip. They're both pretty sore today, so I figured I should try to take it easy. And there's a pile of mud on my motorcycle, which is not cool. Going to Laconia, NH for bike week Wednesday so I'll have to get it cleaned up by then.

Happy Sunday all. Hope everyone is having a good day.

New endeavors

With last night's announcement, it was a bit hard to sleep. In case you missed it, I was picked up as a blogger for Appalachiantrials.com, which was voted as one of the top 10 outdoor blog sites by USA Today. Pretty exciting news for me. It'll definitely be the biggest audience I've ever had for my writing. While it's thrilling, it's also a bit nerve-wracking to think that my work will be exposed to potentially tens of thousands of people. AAAAHHHH! What this will also do is give me a chance to raise even MORE money for Extra Life. The blog should go live on the website next week sometime. I hope that you'll follow me on the journey as I start this new endeavor.

In the meantime, it's a gorgeous Saturday out there. I'm getting ready to go to work. It'll be busy I'm sure, which will make it go by fast. Who knows what else today will bring. Get out there and enjoy it.

Walking away

Just over three weeks have passed. I'm still making daily strides to change for the better. Some days are a struggle, like today. Not feeling particularly motivated. Friday is a long day at work, and it's usually not a fun one. And I work Saturdays too, so even Friday isn't a Friday for me.

I think the hardest thing next summer will be being away from my friends and family for so long. I'm used to seeing my friends so often that it will be like there's a hole in my life for a while, I'm sure. I've tried very hard to make sure I'm there for people that may be struggling. I feel kind of selfish for going away for so long. I know that it's not really, it's just phantom guilt. Everyone needs to live their own life, but the fact is these are people I care about. It's hard to just walk away for a while, even if the reason is good.

Riding

Wednesday's are my normal day off from work, and I took full advantage yesterday. I rode almost 150 miles on my motorcycle, and I can tell you, I'm paying for it today. My back and shoulders are a little sore. My bike is not the most comfortable thing in the world, but nothing beats the feeling of riding to me. My friends Dave, Gianna, and I rode from South Portland down to Kittery to the Trading Post. Route 1 was already a bit congested, and summer hasn't even officially begun.

Being on my bike and riding reminds me of my dad. I only ever got to ride with him once that I recall. His chronic injuries and pain kept him from being able to ride by the time I had gotten to the point where I was riding regularly. I remember seeing sadness in his eyes, every time I stopped by his house on my bike. I'm sure he missed it. I can't imagine how anyone wouldn't. It's been almost a year since he died and it still feels like yesterday.

No specific destination

It's a sunny, gorgeous morning here in Maine. The trees are full of green, now that we've got a little rain, things are really in bloom. There's a bit of wind keeping it cool, which is nice. I'm not a big fan of the heat. I've got the day off today, and I'm looking forward to getting on my motorcycle and cruising around. No specific destination in mind, when I'm on the motorcycle, it's all about the journey.

Next summer, while I will have a destination, it will surely be the journey that matters most. I expect to see a world that has largely been ignored. It's easy to miss things when you cruise by at 50 miles per hour. Have you ever stopped on a road that you've traveled a hundred times and noticed something you've always driven past? I want to find the secret places on the trail, seen only by a handful. I want to share the beauty that is out there waiting for me. I want to write about it, describe it, make it into poetry. Nature has become a stranger to a lot of us. I'd like to step up and introduce myself.

The full monty

Something has been nagging at me since I made the decision to do the long walk next summer. At the back of my head, it jumps around from time to time, like a housefly buzzing in the window. I tried to ignore it and keep it at bay, but at last I caught it, examined it and acted on it.

Initially, I had planned on doing just the northern half of the Appalachian Trail, from Harper's Ferry to Katahdin. 1,100 miles or so. No easy feat. But there's something about doing half of something. Like there's more to do, like the glass is half empty.  Who wants half a beer? I say fill that bastard up, I want it to be full. So after I finish the northern portion of the AT with Jeff, I'll be heading back to Harper's Ferry and completing the southern portion of the trail, from Harper's Ferry to Springer Mountain in Georgia. It will add another few months to my journey, but I have always dreamed of doing the entire AT, not just half of it.

I also feel like doing a complete hike will help me raise more money for Extra Life, lend more to my ability to find sponsors for gear, and be an important experience overall. I'll get to compare the difference between hiking with a companion to hiking alone (unless any of you crazy people want to join me). It will truly be the adventure and experience that my soul cries out for.

PS I've gotten some responses telling me that I should just go the traditional South to North thru hike. There's a reason, I'm going to do it the way I am-I've been researching the crap out of it and the way I plan on doing it is actually recommended as the best way by the ATC. Starting in GA you have to deal with a lot of overcrowding on the trail and the potential for snow is pretty high. By flip-flopping you end up being able to avoid the nastiest climates on both ends as well as having a week or two of time off in the middle. Hiking south in September is supposed to be ideal conditions.

Not bad for a Monday

Monday morning. Back to work today, what a drag. Work seems to go by so slowly, my mind is always other places. I wonder if I can translate my adventure into something big, catalyze my writing career, go on more adventures. I wonder if I can turn around and hike the other half of the trail. Maybe I'll be so sick of it by the end that I'll never hike again. Who knows?

I'd like to think that it will be something amazing, and I think it will be. I'm testing myself beyond anything I've ever come close to. Each morning that I get up and do something to get ready for next summer is part of that test. I could wait until the day to embark is upon me and just set out. Lots of people do, but a lot of those people fail. I want to be much more able than I am right now. I want to reach Katahdin and want to desire to turn around and do it again. I want to come back different. Better.

Sixty-five flights of stairs this morning. Not bad for a Monday.

Recovery mode

Late post today, as I was in recovery mode after a night spent in the woods. Camping was a ton of fun, pretty relaxing. It felt good to sit around a fire and then to crawl into my sleeping bag. There's something so different to me about sleeping outside. The world seems so much closer when all that separates you from it is a thin nylon wall. It was a crisp night but I was comfortable in my bag. The sleeping pad I bought performed admirably and I have it was probably one of the best nights I've spent on the ground aside from those where a inflatable air mattress was involved.

The whole night, my trip was in the back of my head. I marveled at how different my camping experience would be next summer. No car to throw everything into the next morning. No bringing way more stuff than you need or not caring how much it weighs. A different experience awaits me and I'm eager for it.

Campbound!

Today after work, I'm jumping in the car and joining some friends on a brief camping excursion. Really it's an overnight and we'll be driving to our destination, but I will be sleeping in a tent, in a sleeping bag, on the ground. I'm pretty excited. Tomorrow after we break camp, the plan is to do some hiking in the White Mountains, which will also be a good way to spend a Sunday.

I haven't been camping in a number of years, I used to do it a few times a year when I was in my twenties. But then I got divorced and left all my gear behind and so ended my camping days. I went to LL Bean last night and picked up my first official piece of trail gear, a sleeping bag pad. The damn thing weighs about a pound and packs up into a sack that is about the size of one of those nalgene water bottles. Pretty damn crazy. I've decided to try to do a good portion of my shopping at Bean's because I know that if I try something out and it doesn't work out then I can return it with no hassle. They also offer some free seminars on ultra-light hiking, which I'm eager to check out.

Mentally, I feel like positive things are beginning to happen. I've found myself much more engaged since making the decision to do the long walk. Who could ask for anything more than a chance at an adventure like this?

PS For those that are keeping track...60 flights of stairs today. Ugh.

PPS All these stairs must be working. I just got into a pair of jeans I haven't been able to wear since last summer. Positive reinforcement!

It's official

Through my research, I came across a website that is perfect for raising money for Extra Life during my trip next summer. It's a website called hikefor.com and it allowed me to create a page specifically for what I'm doing. I'll be taking pledges per mile walked, so please consider donating. All of the proceeds will be going to Extra Life and The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. I know it's a long ways off but I'll certainly be haranguing people to donate right up until the day I leave (okay, probably even after I leave too). Why not get in early and show me a little love?

I'll also be utilizing the trip as a way to raise awareness for Extra Life. There's a lot of people out there unaware of the charity, and I hope to change that. I'll be wearing a bunch of Extra Life gear and I'm thinking of getting an Extra Life flag made up that I can use for good photo ops. I'll be looking into gear sponsorships and anything else that can help me make this a success on the trail, so if you have any info, or you think you might be able to help me out with this, please reach out.

If you'd like to donate, click on the logo above or the embedded link.

Why?

Today is the two week mark since I announced my decision to leave the ordered and sane world of civilization, put all kinds of stuff in a backpack and walk for 1,100 miles. It's a decision that I made in a split second but not one that I made lightly. A lot of people have asked me why I'd want to do something like that.

My biggest reason is that I feel like I need to do something extraordinary with my time here. I'm a geek, and love fantasy novels. The idea of a grand adventure has appealed to my soul for almost as long as I can remember. Spending three months hiking the oldest mountain range in the world would qualify in my book. Granted I'm not carrying the One Ring to Mordor but hey, I plan on carrying my replica for good luck.

Another reason is that this adventure is a catalyst for change for me. I have lived a sedentary unhealthy lifestyle for quite a few years now, and preparing for this trip has already made positive changes in me physically. I'm exercising regularly and eating better. The changes aren't just physical either, I'm writing every day, which is a huge thing for me. I love to write and blogging about my experience is a great motivator. I feel a sense of hope for the future rather than just an interminable number of years working looming before me.

I'm sure there will be more reasons as the days pass, but I think I've made a good start. Life is too short to put your dreams and wants on hold. Take a chance at them while you can.