A little soggy

Yesterday I got a taste of what the future will bring and it is soggy. I was part of the volunteer crew that helped staff the local Color Run, a 5k race that benefited The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. I was stationed at one of the water stops. There was torrential rain for the entirety of the race, so I was soaked to the bone within a few minutes of being there. I was out there in the rain for a good four hours. My hands looked like this -

It was a pretty uncomfortable experience, however, it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Next summer, there will be no warm dry car to climb in. I keep hitting this point, but stop and really think about it. How much do you take for granted every day? You expect to be warm and dry and have someplace to sleep. I expect next summer for most of the trip to be mostly dry, but I'm sure there will be times of misery. And I'll have to work for most of them, which will make them that much more rewarding.

Control

I didn't post yesterday, mostly because I'm a big slacker. I kept thinking about it and then putting it off, and then it just didn't happen. It's okay to let things go once in a while as long as it doesn't become a habit.

This morning I'm thinking about the adversity of nature. I'm reading a great book on lightweight hiking by Ray Jardine, and he talks about our obsessive need to control our environment. We go to dinner and expect service will be good, food will be hot, etc. In our day to day lives, a lot of what we do is to keep or gain control over our environment. We mow our lawn, we clean the house, we turn on the air conditioner when it's hot, and the heat when it's cold.

Nature could give a shit about our need for control. Next summer, on the trail, I will have very little control over my environment. If it rains, I'm going to get wet and have to deal with it. If it's hot, I'm going to sweat. There won't be a house to go back to at the end of the day. One of the biggest lessons I'm going to have to learn is to roll with it. The control I will need to assert is my emotion, and my reaction to the world around me. I expect it will be a hard lesson, but one worth learning.

Sacrifice

One of the hardest lessons that I've ever had to learn is that life is unfair and doesn't owe us anything. I think a lot of people I've met and even some friends of mine have never really learned that lesson. It's very much a product of our culture. Every person is special and deserves to be happy. While I agree with the sentiment that everyone should be happy, the fundamental flaw with the sentiment lies in the fact that you must work for your happiness. A lot are content to sit back and wait for happiness to find them and it never does.

The charity work I've done and continue to pursue is not easy. My journey ahead will be the most difficult thing I've ever undertaken. But it will provide a sense of purpose, accomplishment and most of peace with a chaotic world. I will give back some happiness to the children and families that use the services of the Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. If I can make their darkest times just a little bit brighter, than the struggle and pain and sacrifice will be worth everything.

Eyes on the prize.

Work, work, work. The days blend together and I feel time slipping away. I think while the hike seems so far away, that it's going to be on top of me, glaring down at me before I know it. There's so much I need to do. It's easy to get dragged into the daily struggle, but I need to keep my eyes on the prize.

Dark wings, dark words

Rainy Tuesday, which is okay with me. The sound of rain is soothing, reminds of old memories. I can remember standing in the barn of the house I grew up in, watching a thunderstorm roll in and hearing the drumming of the rain on the roof. Rain pelting off the leaves of trees and bushes, creating a rustling song.

I had a rough night last night, not my first, definitely not my last. Lots of things going on in my head, thoughts you just can't shut off. Regrets. A lot of people tell me to not have regrets, but it's not easy to turn things off. I have so much to look forward to, things on the horizon. My undertaking is exciting but it is also scary. I'm afraid of failure. What if I can't pull it off?

I'm going to gamble on myself. I know that what I'm attempting is worth it. Wish me luck.

Back at it

No post yesterday, I was way too tired and had a bunch to do. My friends threw me an amazing surprise party the night before, for my 40th birthday. I had no idea and it was a complete shocker. Epic party, the coolest I've ever had, by far.

Back at it this morning though. Up early, just finished my stairs for the day. That was the first time in a few days and they hit me pretty hard. The trail has been a distant thought for a few days, with so much going on in my life. I need to regain my focus a bit. This week I'll be hitting some sponsors for gear donations. The BBCH has gotten me a letter stating that I am working with them. We'll see how it goes.

Late night.

Short, late post today. I was at a concert until 1am last night, it was an excellent show. In the back of my mind, I was thinking of all the things that I will miss next summer/fall. It'll be the people in my life mostly, but some events will come up I'm sure. I think it will be worth it. It will be an experience like nothing I've ever attempted. Soldier on!

I survived

I survived my birthday, which managed not to be incredibly terrible, despite all the dread that I had built up about it. I guess it's not such a big deal, although it still seems a little weird if I have to tell someone I'm 40. Blech.

I had the day off from work, and I did a bunch of running around, nothing unpleasant just another day. Visited friends, had lunch with a former co-worker that I hadn't seen in a long time, a few beers with another friend. Dinner at this amazing ramen place in Portland with another friend, and we walked around Exchange St and got an ice cream.

I talked to a number of new people about my plans for next year, and they were all pretty awestruck, which is I suppose a good thing. I must have explained it about 6 times yesterday. I'm going to get pretty good at that, I assume. I got some pieces of the puzzle I was waiting for from my contact at BBCH so I should be putting together sponsorship requests soon. Time to shake the trees and see what comes out.

On my name day

It's here. The day of dread. I hit the 40 mark. I don't know how to feel about today. I'm glad that I made it this far, and I have a lot to look forward to. I've got a lot on my plate over the next year, and while it's very exciting, it's also a little daunting.

This is also the first birthday since I lost my dad. Father's Day is Sunday and the end of the month is when he died, so the next few weeks are going to be rough. I'm trying to focus on the positive. Chin up and all that. Send some positive thoughts my way. I'll need them.

Busy day

Busy day today, so this will probably be a short post. I'm up early to meet my buddy Dave on the bike. We're heading over to Bike Week in Laconia, NH today. We'll meet up with our other friend Alex in Rochester, NH. I've been trying to get to Bike Week for a few years now, but its never worked out before. Today looks like a perfect day for a long ride. Then when I get back this afternoon, I'll be going out tonight with my friend Gianna to go see Coheed & Cambria in Portland. I've heard a bit of their stuff and enjoyed it, and she really wanted to go, so I told her I'd take her.

Tomorrow is my 40th birthday. It doesn't seem possible, I still feel like a 20-something. I probably still act like a 20-something most days. Maybe some day I'll grow up a bit.

It's official

It's official, I have my login information and am free to start posting on appalachiantrials.com. I will be blogging there on a different schedule than my daily updates here, and that content will all be unique. I hope that you'll check it out and share it. The more people that know about the trek, the more exposure Extra Life will get and the more money that can be raised for the kids!

I was up way too late last night. I went and saw Jurassic World, which was a pretty damn good movie. However, I went to said movie that started at 9:50pm. Normally past my bed time (I'm definitely a morning person), but it was a friend of mine and she wanted to go with her friends too, so what the heck right? I went to bed around 12:30 a.m. Cue 5 a.m.- My eyes pop open as usual. I stare blindly at the ceiling for about five minutes. I close my eyes. I open them again. This time it's 6:00 a.m. I mutter some obscenities to myself and sit up. Another day in paradise, right?

Don't forget to look for posts from me on appalachiantrials.com. I'll try to let you know when I put something up there.

Something different

Making the most of my time here has been something on my mind over the past year. Since losing my father, it has become painfully obvious how quickly things can get away from you. You never know when your life will get turned on it's ear and suddenly, someone that's important to you is gone. Hiking the AT is about following a dream for me. It's been a dream for a very long time, one that I lost sight of for a long while. I know that a lot of people are worried about what will happen, are concerned that I'm going to get hurt or be unable to finish.

I know what I'm going to do is more dangerous than sitting at home, watching TV. But it is also going to be rewarding. I'm taking a chance on myself, so that I when I look back on my life, I can say to myself - "I did something different. I did something that very few people have ever done. I lived a dream." I'm going to raise money for a charity that means a lot to me (speaking of which, have you pledged yet?). I'm writing every day. I've been picked up by a major outdoor blog site, another dream of mine. Good things can happen when you take a chance and live. I have had a lot of regrets in my life, but this will not be one of them.

Tweaked

Sunday, the day of rest. Except I haven't been. I've been cleaning like a madman, cause I have people coming over for barbecue and games. So I've been sweeping and dusting and cleaning, something I can sometimes fall behind on. Okay more than sometimes. I'm not here at the house all that often, so I tend to let things slide a bit. But I'm making up for it now. I went to the grocery store early this morning and picked up some babyback ribs which are smoking on the pellet grill right now. Should be a good feed and a good day.

Was going to do some stairs this morning but I managed to dump my bike in the driveway last night. I was pulling around into the garage, it was dark, and I managed to hit the one patch of mud in the yard. I wasn't going fast, but I did go over and tweaked my knee and hip. They're both pretty sore today, so I figured I should try to take it easy. And there's a pile of mud on my motorcycle, which is not cool. Going to Laconia, NH for bike week Wednesday so I'll have to get it cleaned up by then.

Happy Sunday all. Hope everyone is having a good day.

New endeavors

With last night's announcement, it was a bit hard to sleep. In case you missed it, I was picked up as a blogger for Appalachiantrials.com, which was voted as one of the top 10 outdoor blog sites by USA Today. Pretty exciting news for me. It'll definitely be the biggest audience I've ever had for my writing. While it's thrilling, it's also a bit nerve-wracking to think that my work will be exposed to potentially tens of thousands of people. AAAAHHHH! What this will also do is give me a chance to raise even MORE money for Extra Life. The blog should go live on the website next week sometime. I hope that you'll follow me on the journey as I start this new endeavor.

In the meantime, it's a gorgeous Saturday out there. I'm getting ready to go to work. It'll be busy I'm sure, which will make it go by fast. Who knows what else today will bring. Get out there and enjoy it.

Walking away

Just over three weeks have passed. I'm still making daily strides to change for the better. Some days are a struggle, like today. Not feeling particularly motivated. Friday is a long day at work, and it's usually not a fun one. And I work Saturdays too, so even Friday isn't a Friday for me.

I think the hardest thing next summer will be being away from my friends and family for so long. I'm used to seeing my friends so often that it will be like there's a hole in my life for a while, I'm sure. I've tried very hard to make sure I'm there for people that may be struggling. I feel kind of selfish for going away for so long. I know that it's not really, it's just phantom guilt. Everyone needs to live their own life, but the fact is these are people I care about. It's hard to just walk away for a while, even if the reason is good.

Riding

Wednesday's are my normal day off from work, and I took full advantage yesterday. I rode almost 150 miles on my motorcycle, and I can tell you, I'm paying for it today. My back and shoulders are a little sore. My bike is not the most comfortable thing in the world, but nothing beats the feeling of riding to me. My friends Dave, Gianna, and I rode from South Portland down to Kittery to the Trading Post. Route 1 was already a bit congested, and summer hasn't even officially begun.

Being on my bike and riding reminds me of my dad. I only ever got to ride with him once that I recall. His chronic injuries and pain kept him from being able to ride by the time I had gotten to the point where I was riding regularly. I remember seeing sadness in his eyes, every time I stopped by his house on my bike. I'm sure he missed it. I can't imagine how anyone wouldn't. It's been almost a year since he died and it still feels like yesterday.

No specific destination

It's a sunny, gorgeous morning here in Maine. The trees are full of green, now that we've got a little rain, things are really in bloom. There's a bit of wind keeping it cool, which is nice. I'm not a big fan of the heat. I've got the day off today, and I'm looking forward to getting on my motorcycle and cruising around. No specific destination in mind, when I'm on the motorcycle, it's all about the journey.

Next summer, while I will have a destination, it will surely be the journey that matters most. I expect to see a world that has largely been ignored. It's easy to miss things when you cruise by at 50 miles per hour. Have you ever stopped on a road that you've traveled a hundred times and noticed something you've always driven past? I want to find the secret places on the trail, seen only by a handful. I want to share the beauty that is out there waiting for me. I want to write about it, describe it, make it into poetry. Nature has become a stranger to a lot of us. I'd like to step up and introduce myself.

The full monty

Something has been nagging at me since I made the decision to do the long walk next summer. At the back of my head, it jumps around from time to time, like a housefly buzzing in the window. I tried to ignore it and keep it at bay, but at last I caught it, examined it and acted on it.

Initially, I had planned on doing just the northern half of the Appalachian Trail, from Harper's Ferry to Katahdin. 1,100 miles or so. No easy feat. But there's something about doing half of something. Like there's more to do, like the glass is half empty.  Who wants half a beer? I say fill that bastard up, I want it to be full. So after I finish the northern portion of the AT with Jeff, I'll be heading back to Harper's Ferry and completing the southern portion of the trail, from Harper's Ferry to Springer Mountain in Georgia. It will add another few months to my journey, but I have always dreamed of doing the entire AT, not just half of it.

I also feel like doing a complete hike will help me raise more money for Extra Life, lend more to my ability to find sponsors for gear, and be an important experience overall. I'll get to compare the difference between hiking with a companion to hiking alone (unless any of you crazy people want to join me). It will truly be the adventure and experience that my soul cries out for.

PS I've gotten some responses telling me that I should just go the traditional South to North thru hike. There's a reason, I'm going to do it the way I am-I've been researching the crap out of it and the way I plan on doing it is actually recommended as the best way by the ATC. Starting in GA you have to deal with a lot of overcrowding on the trail and the potential for snow is pretty high. By flip-flopping you end up being able to avoid the nastiest climates on both ends as well as having a week or two of time off in the middle. Hiking south in September is supposed to be ideal conditions.

Not bad for a Monday

Monday morning. Back to work today, what a drag. Work seems to go by so slowly, my mind is always other places. I wonder if I can translate my adventure into something big, catalyze my writing career, go on more adventures. I wonder if I can turn around and hike the other half of the trail. Maybe I'll be so sick of it by the end that I'll never hike again. Who knows?

I'd like to think that it will be something amazing, and I think it will be. I'm testing myself beyond anything I've ever come close to. Each morning that I get up and do something to get ready for next summer is part of that test. I could wait until the day to embark is upon me and just set out. Lots of people do, but a lot of those people fail. I want to be much more able than I am right now. I want to reach Katahdin and want to desire to turn around and do it again. I want to come back different. Better.

Sixty-five flights of stairs this morning. Not bad for a Monday.

Recovery mode

Late post today, as I was in recovery mode after a night spent in the woods. Camping was a ton of fun, pretty relaxing. It felt good to sit around a fire and then to crawl into my sleeping bag. There's something so different to me about sleeping outside. The world seems so much closer when all that separates you from it is a thin nylon wall. It was a crisp night but I was comfortable in my bag. The sleeping pad I bought performed admirably and I have it was probably one of the best nights I've spent on the ground aside from those where a inflatable air mattress was involved.

The whole night, my trip was in the back of my head. I marveled at how different my camping experience would be next summer. No car to throw everything into the next morning. No bringing way more stuff than you need or not caring how much it weighs. A different experience awaits me and I'm eager for it.

Campbound!

Today after work, I'm jumping in the car and joining some friends on a brief camping excursion. Really it's an overnight and we'll be driving to our destination, but I will be sleeping in a tent, in a sleeping bag, on the ground. I'm pretty excited. Tomorrow after we break camp, the plan is to do some hiking in the White Mountains, which will also be a good way to spend a Sunday.

I haven't been camping in a number of years, I used to do it a few times a year when I was in my twenties. But then I got divorced and left all my gear behind and so ended my camping days. I went to LL Bean last night and picked up my first official piece of trail gear, a sleeping bag pad. The damn thing weighs about a pound and packs up into a sack that is about the size of one of those nalgene water bottles. Pretty damn crazy. I've decided to try to do a good portion of my shopping at Bean's because I know that if I try something out and it doesn't work out then I can return it with no hassle. They also offer some free seminars on ultra-light hiking, which I'm eager to check out.

Mentally, I feel like positive things are beginning to happen. I've found myself much more engaged since making the decision to do the long walk. Who could ask for anything more than a chance at an adventure like this?

PS For those that are keeping track...60 flights of stairs today. Ugh.

PPS All these stairs must be working. I just got into a pair of jeans I haven't been able to wear since last summer. Positive reinforcement!

It's official

Through my research, I came across a website that is perfect for raising money for Extra Life during my trip next summer. It's a website called hikefor.com and it allowed me to create a page specifically for what I'm doing. I'll be taking pledges per mile walked, so please consider donating. All of the proceeds will be going to Extra Life and The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital. I know it's a long ways off but I'll certainly be haranguing people to donate right up until the day I leave (okay, probably even after I leave too). Why not get in early and show me a little love?

I'll also be utilizing the trip as a way to raise awareness for Extra Life. There's a lot of people out there unaware of the charity, and I hope to change that. I'll be wearing a bunch of Extra Life gear and I'm thinking of getting an Extra Life flag made up that I can use for good photo ops. I'll be looking into gear sponsorships and anything else that can help me make this a success on the trail, so if you have any info, or you think you might be able to help me out with this, please reach out.

If you'd like to donate, click on the logo above or the embedded link.

Why?

Today is the two week mark since I announced my decision to leave the ordered and sane world of civilization, put all kinds of stuff in a backpack and walk for 1,100 miles. It's a decision that I made in a split second but not one that I made lightly. A lot of people have asked me why I'd want to do something like that.

My biggest reason is that I feel like I need to do something extraordinary with my time here. I'm a geek, and love fantasy novels. The idea of a grand adventure has appealed to my soul for almost as long as I can remember. Spending three months hiking the oldest mountain range in the world would qualify in my book. Granted I'm not carrying the One Ring to Mordor but hey, I plan on carrying my replica for good luck.

Another reason is that this adventure is a catalyst for change for me. I have lived a sedentary unhealthy lifestyle for quite a few years now, and preparing for this trip has already made positive changes in me physically. I'm exercising regularly and eating better. The changes aren't just physical either, I'm writing every day, which is a huge thing for me. I love to write and blogging about my experience is a great motivator. I feel a sense of hope for the future rather than just an interminable number of years working looming before me.

I'm sure there will be more reasons as the days pass, but I think I've made a good start. Life is too short to put your dreams and wants on hold. Take a chance at them while you can.

Charity

Let's talk about charity for a moment. Charity hasn't been an important part or even consideration in my life up until a few years ago. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't anti-charity or anything like that, I just didn't make an effort to be especially charitable, at least in the traditional donate to a cause sense. I've always tried to help my friends out when they need it, without concern for payback, which I suppose is charitable as well.

That changed like I said a few years ago. I was living alone in New Hampshire and my life was pretty empty. Go to work, come home, watch TV or play video games, go to sleep. Wash, rinse, repeat. I watched a web series about the creators of web comic called Penny Arcade. It's a very popular comic, and even spawned it's own convention called Penny Arcade Expo or PAX. Well, the creators of this comic started a charity called Child's Play, which donates money to children's hospitals to provide toys and games that help children going through awful experiences like chemo to help them focus on something other than the pain and misery they're going through. This spoke to me on a level I can't even begin to communicate.

I don't have children of my own, but I can't imagine having to go through that. I wanted to take part in this process, and I was watching Wil Wheaton's Tabletop series at the time, so I decided I'd like to hold a 24 hour board game marathon and raise money for Child's Play. It was a ton of work to put it together, but it was successful. The first year we raised over $1700. In the process, I made a ton of new friends and also some contacts at our local children's hospital, The Barbara Bush Children's Hospital.

This year, I wanted to do it again. While I had great success working with Child's Play, there's another charity that is much more accessible (Child's Play is based in Seattle), called Extra Life, who performs essentially the same function. I had a number of supporters and with their help, we held another event this past April and this time, it was an even bigger success, raising over $5,600. Additionally, I found out later that the contact I had helped facilitate between Child's Play and BBCH the year before resulted in them being added to the donor hospital list. They received an $11,500 pay out from Child's Play and will continue to receive donations going forward.

The feelings I get being able to help contribute to this worthy cause makes the day to day slog through work and life so much easier to bear. I hope to turn this long walk into something that will contribute further. After all, it's for the kids.

Anticipation

Next May seems impossibly far away to me right now. I know that it's less than a year before we head for Harper's Ferry and begin the 1,100+ mile trek to Mt. Katahdin, but the anticipation fills me with the desire for it to be time to go NOW.

Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm far from ready to attempt it. I don't have the money saved, the gear bought, or the physical ability to handle it yet. There's a whole lot of pieces that need to fall into place before next May, and this ball has barely begun to roll. Yet it's all I can think about. Every minute, every second is one closer to what I think will be a life-changing experience for me. I want to share it all with my loved ones and friends. I want them to experience my triumphs and root for me when I falter, as I'm sure I will.

Making sure that I post every day or as often as I can is an important step in that. Sometimes I don't know what to say, so describing the feelings and how I see the world I have will have to be enough. The world already seems to be a bit brighter than it was a few weeks ago. I hope you'll come along for a walk with me.

Can't stop the rain

I just finished 45 sets of stairs. I'm going up in increments of five, which is better than expected. It's pouring rain outside, and I could hear it over the podcast I was listening to (A Trouble with Words, you should give it a listen), while I did my stairs. I've always found the sound of rain soothing, but today it makes me wonder. Will I find it as soothing if I can't escape it? If there's a rainy stretch on the trail, how will I feel about it?

Don't get me wrong, I've been caught in the rain and miserable before, but there's usually an end in sight. A respite at the end of the day, where you can get warm and change into dry clothes. On the trail, if everything's wet, there's no dryer to throw them into, no car to climb in and go home. And then there's thunderstorms. Who hasn't been rattled by a sudden boomer before and crawled into a safe nook inside to escape the fury?

I had an experience in my teens, when I was working for the Appalachian Mountain Club. After my tenure there, a friend of mine and I secured a spot in one of the huts on top of Mt. Washington. We hiked up with our gear, dropped it off in the hut and then went back down and then up a different route (I was in much better shape, way back then). It was a gorgeous day. The next morning, we packed our stuff and decided to head back above treeline, and down the backside of the mountain. While we were in that alien landscape of stunted trees and exposed rock, a sudden storm came up and thunder crashed. It was as terrifying a feeling as I have ever experienced. We were easily the tallest things up there, and both of us had metal frame packs on. Hastily, with pounding hearts and many glances up to the blackened sky, we headed down to relative safety and cover.

Twenty-two years later, I can still close my eyes and remember that scene and how it felt. Nothing makes you feel as small as the sound and fury of Mother Nature.